Five years ago, when I was pregnant with my first child, a client of mine hoisted in a big gift bag one day.

It was filled with hand-knit and hand-sewn baby blankets and embroidered hoodie towels and washcloths.

It was such a touching gift, especially considering she was a mother herself and an active-duty sailor.

Throughout my pregnancy, she told me about delivering and caring for her first child, all while she served her country.

In an extremely male-dominated field, she had a hard time.  She didn’t have a support network, and when she had to return to work – and sometimes various periods of longer-than-normal separation from her son at just six weeks post-partum - it was heart-wrenching and logistically difficult.

She had to navigate breastfeeding and pumping and all the emotions that came with leaving him with her a caregiver that wasn’t her or her husband, who is also active-duty and was deployed at the time.

While I’ve heard the maternity-leave situation described as less than ideal by many working mothers, including military mothers, I realized soon that six weeks maternity leave was often a gross injustice to women who serve and families who sacrifice.

Which is why, when the U.S. Navy announced last week that they tripled maternity leave offered to active-duty sailors and Marines – making maternity leave 18 weeks long instead of six – I fist-pumped like it affected me personally.

I’m really proud of who my husband works for; I’m happy for the women he serves with.

You can complain about the Old Boy’s Club all you want; a lot of it can be true when it comes to the military.  But currently, the U.S. Navy is quite a bit more progressive when it comes maternity leave than most of the country and a lot of major corporations.

I am so happy for my generous former client, who is pregnant with her second child.  She now has triple the amount of time to recover from her C-section and establish a connection with her second-born.

This labor and delivery won’t be as heart-wrenching. She’ll have more support.  She has more post-partum recovery time; she has time she’s owed for her service.

That’s patriotic progress to be proud of.

By Tiffany Shedd

Summer is upon us. The kids have been out of school for a few weeks. And, I bet you’re already tired of hearing “I’m bored”.

It doesn’t matter if your child is special needs or not, they all feel it is their inalienable right to never be bored. They may have hundreds of toys, videogames, DVDs and Netflix account, but, they will still claim they are bored.

Hopefully, I can give you a few ideas on how to keep them busy enough that they won’t have time to be bored.

As any parent of a special needs child knows, a schedule is your friend. Even during summer break, kids need a schedule. Come up with one that works for your family. If your kids are younger, your schedule is going to look a lot different than one that’s meant for older kids.

If you don’t how to create a schedule, here are a few suggestions. Obviously, you’ve got meals. There’s three things for your schedule right there. If your kids still take naps (lucky you), schedule that. If they aren’t nappers, that’s a little more time to fill up, but you can plan some quiet activity time, such as reading.

If you know that your kid is most energetic in the morning, don’t schedule reading time for the morning. Work with your kids’ energy cycles. If your kids are laid back and like a slow start to their morning, don’t try to get them up and out the door. That won’t go well for anyone.

Once you’ve figured out your kids’ natural schedule, try to fill in some of your time with activities they will enjoy. My child is a go-go-go kind of kid. So, our schedule includes a lot of trips in the car to go places.

Your schedule doesn’t need to include daily trips, but having a few outings a week will go a long way to quelling the boredom. You can use these outings as rewards for good behavior or motivation.

Once you’ve got motivation, be sure to include chores into your daily and weekly schedule. If they know they start the day off by making their bed and end it by straightening their room, it lessens the arguments and whining. To be clear, there will still be whining and arguments, but after a week hopefully it won’t be as bad.

Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, here are some fun suggestions about how to fill up those long summer days. You probably know about Operation Purple and their generous summer camps for military kids. But did you know that there are camps for military kids with special needs? There are several organizations, such as Operation We are Here and Military Special Needs Network, that make this possible. Check out these websites to learn more about these camp opportunities:

http://www.joomag.com/magazine/msnn-special-needs-camp-guide/0386017001390415784

http://www.operationwearehere.com/EFMP.html

While it may be too late to participate in one of these camps this summer, you can definitely start planning for next summer.

If you don’t want to send your kids away to camp, there are always summer reading programs.

Don’t let the summer be an excuse for your kids to forget the important reading lessons they had at school. Your local library or installation likely has a summer reading program for your kid to be involved in.

Our local library even includes pre-school kids and allows parents to read to them. We have a great library system that gives the kids lots of great incentives for signing up for the program and completing it. They area also doing a ton of great learning programs every week.  If your local library doesn’t have a program, here is information about the DoD-MWR Summer Reading Program: https://www.ila.org/dodsumread/

 If a reading program doesn’t sound like that much fun, there are lots of other fun and inexpensive activities in your community. Regal Cinemas has $1 kids’ movies throughout the summer. They may not be sensory sensitive specific, but because they are second run movies for kids, patrons will probably be less likely to be upset if your child isn’t the perfect theater goer.

To find a theater near you, visit: http://www.regmovies.com/movies/summer-movie-express

If you have water lovers, but a pool is too intimidating, look for splash pads. All the fun of getting wet without the drowning risks. If you don’t have water kids, check out all the playgrounds in your community. Maybe try a new one every week. Or if your kid doesn’t like change, stick with your favorite.

If you’re looking for something bigger, check with your Morale, Welfare and Recreation office. You will find lots of great deals for fun stuff to do. They have discounted tickets for movies, sporting events, aquariums, zoos, amusement parks, etc. You can also rent sports equipment and other fun stuff. Is your yard big enough for a bouncy house? You can rent one from MWR. If loud noises aren’t a problem for your kids, check out your installations bowling alley. Go during the week during the day, and you’re likely to find you have the whole place to yourself.

Hopefully, you’ll find something here that keeps your kids from driving you bananas with their cries of boredom. Just remember that summer doesn’t last forever. School will be starting again before you know it. Take some time to have fun with your kids.

Not happy with the local schools at your next duty station?

Schools that are performing below state standards could soon pay for their downfalls.

The Military Times reports that as officials decide what bases to close, they may take a closer look at what the nearby public schools have to offer military children. Schools that rate as subpar may be the deciding factor in closing that base.

In October, 2013, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno launched an evaluation of local schools. The report was meant to make two lists: the first to recognize communities that meet the Army's baseline education standards and the second, to identify those that don't. The Military Times reports that the report is not for public release.

Global security think tank Stimson Center did, however, have access to the report and conducted their own study as a result.

Military Times says, according to the report, 19 Army posts contribute at least 15 percent of the total income of their host counties. In six counties, the Army generated 50 percent or more of every dollar earned. Another four posts generated at least one-third of their counties' income.

Military Times reports write that while some school districts perform well, other communities that rely heavily on the income generated by living in an Army town are giving military children inadequate and less rigorous academic standards.

Authors of the report offer a final  thought after their analysis:  "If host communities do not offer soldiers' children a consistently high-quality education, they risk the economic challenges that result from losing support of a major employer."

The report, "The Army Goes to School: The Connection between K-12 Education Standards and the Military-Base Economy," is scheduled to be released Thursday.

To read the full Military Times article, visit http://www.militarytimes.com/story/military/benefits/education/2015/06/25/poor-quality-of-schools-could-cost-military-communities/29233125/

Cable and Internet in our neighborhood is spotty.

I sometimes think we should specialize in dropped calls, channel black-outs, and error messages instead of boasting about our community pool and our shiny, enforced “No Soliciting” signs.

Last year, I once had to call the cable company because we had continually dropped service for two weeks.  During the debacle, I realized that the company wouldn’t charge me for days, weeks, or months in which they had been unable to provide service.

And because it’s terribly frustrating to lose Internet for days on end – especially when you work online – I always took them up on that.  I call every time there’s an issue now.

So last week, unable to use the Internet and with less channels on TV than public-access, I called.

They went through all the rigmarole about my password and identity and birth-weight of my first-born child.

And then they asked me my address.

And I answered.

The line got quiet.  The customer-service representative might as well have screeched “Huh?” through the phone; the silence was so deafening.

“Ma’am,” she said. “We’re a Georgia branch.  That’s not a Georgia address.”

And she was right.  It wasn’t.  It wasn’t our current Georgia address.  It wasn’t the Georgia address we had three years ago.

It wasn’t even the South Carolina address we had before that.

It was the Florida address we had.  Four addresses ago.

I prattled it off like I’ve been living there for the last six years, despite us moving three times in that same time frame.

“Ma’am, are you military?” she asked.

Still shocked, I did manage to eke out my normal, “No.  My husband is.”

While I am always impressed I can remember the addresses of all our homes in the last decade, it’s odd to revert like that, even for a tired Mom like me.

It’s the first time I’ve ever done that, in fact.

Luckily, the woman brought me back to present-day, where I remembered my correct address and received a deduction on my monthly bill since Internet service was yet again non-existent.

Later that day, the service had been restored.  And then 30 minutes later, it promptly dropped again.

Tired Mom rearing her ugly head, I called back, and due to a crazy stroke of luck, I got the same customer service representative.

She asked how she could help me.

“Well, earlier I gave you my old, old Florida address. Now I know why,” I said. “Because that was the last place I could finish writing an e-mail without my Internet service giving out. I’d like to go back to that, if you don’t mind.”

 

I unabashedly admit that while my husband is deployed, I watch 19 Kids & Counting.

I don’t know what it is.  I wear pants, dated my husband for years before marrying him and have cable TV.  It’s not exactly like I identify with them.

But the sheer management it must take to handle that many children fascinates me, I guess.

And the fact that my husband rolls his eyes at yet another ridiculous reality TV show when he is home means that while he’s gone, it gets to be my guilty pleasure.

I have watched it faithfully when he’s gone and have for years.

And so, when the bottom fell out after the family admitted their eldest son molested minors, including his sisters, I was a little heartbroken.

I had DVR-d that family’s show; I had watched it.  A few low deployment moments I even teared up at what I thought were genuinely sweet moments.

And then, as news stations reported it last week, I felt oddly saddened I had done all that and basically supported a family who would cover up such an act.

I have daughters. The thought of letting them live in a home with someone who abused them makes me shake with anger and sadness. The thought of neglecting help for my troubled son revolts me.

And the thought that I devoted such precious spare time during a deployment to the family who had done such a thing? Well, it was hard to take.

Sexual abuse touches close to home for me.  I have very close friends who have and still struggle as abuse victims.  I think our country is loath to acknowledge what victims suffer through, and I think so often the desire to hide or not talk about abuse hurts victims further and lets abusers get away with it.

I think, in the military, all of these truths about sexual abuse can and have been amplified.

And I think it’s searing to realize we all watched these girls on television who were somewhat coerced into covering up their truth and what we now know was the aftermath of that truth.

I am now ashamed to admit that I watched such a family, even enjoyed it.  I feel like I let down the victims who live in that house and on that show, though they will never know me and my bowl of ice cream and a snuggly blanket replacing my husband while I perched on the couch to see them get married or have a new baby.

I hope they are healing.  I hope this coming to light helps them more than it hurts old wounds.  I hope they know how sorry I am.

And now, I move onto another deployment guilty pleasure. 

And this time, I think I’m done with reality TV for a while.
 

By Tiffany Shedd

Did you know that May was Mental Health Awareness month?

The spotlight was shone on what is often pushed into the dark because of the stigmas attached to this subject. We’ve come a long way from some questionable mental health practices (forced lobotomies, women being put into asylums for postpartum, etc.) but the topic of mental health is still taboo. No one wants anyone to think they’re “crazy”. Sometimes, though, it is harder to try maintain the status quo than to ask for help.

There are a plethora of mental health issues. My family alone gets to deal with several. I suffer from depression. I have never really said that out loud before, but I definitely have a history of depression. I am too afraid to deal with whatever issues may come up if I chose to treat it.

In fact, I exert a lot of effort to just not deal with things. I make up all kinds of excuses about why I don’t just pick up the phone or use one of the many online resources available to me. My son is too loud/asleep/has a class/having a meltdown/needs a drink/etc. My husband is out of town/busy/mowing the grass/etc. I have this and that going on. I don’t have time to go to an appointment.

My problem is not convenient. I think that is probably the biggest hurdle. But, when is dealing with a problem ever convenient? It never is. But, to live the best life you can live, maybe you have to do things that are not convenient sometimes.

My husband is braver than I am, for many reasons. He recently started tackling some issues of his own. He has always had problems with paying attention or he becomes so focused on one thing that he literally can’t do or hear anything else. This is both annoying and sometimes dangerous. He can be so distracted that he will miss small things that can lead to much bigger problems.

For example, he was so focused on leaving for work early one morning and got distracted by something outside that he forgot to close our front door completely. My son and I were upstairs sleeping. I didn’t come downstairs until hours later to discover the door was slightly open and anyone could have come into our home. He has said for years that he probably has ADHD but had never been tested.

At first, he wasn’t tested, because of the stigma of taking certain medications while on active duty. This has changed a lot in the last few years. I suspect that having our son had a lot to do with why he finally took steps to getting a diagnosis.

He was right. ADHD was the diagnosis. He has been taking medication for a couple of months, and I can see some changes in his day to day behavior. I can talk to him while he is doing something, and, he actually hears what I am saying. That is a big, positive change for us.

In addition to ADHD, my husband also suffers from acute anxiety. When we first met, it was mostly just in social situations. He could only focus on one person in a group and would come off as being standoffish.

As he went through several deployments and saw lots of things that no one should probably ever see, he became anxious about everything. He kept it hidden pretty well for a long time. I only really started to see how bad it was when I was pregnant. He was worried about something being wrong with our baby, and it just spiraled from there.

He has dealt with some pretty horrible anxiety for the last three years, and I didn’t even know. This is how taboo mental health issues are: my husband, who tells me literally everything (so I thought) hid his crushing anxiety from me for that long. I felt horrible that I didn’t even notice.

Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. If we spent as much time working on our mental health as we do our physical selves, we’d probably all be a lot healthier and happier. Don’t worry about what other people think. If you or a family member is suffering from any mental health issue, please don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are lots of resources available to you, so take advantage of them.

Here is a great place to start: http://www.militaryonesource.mil/

Were you caught off-guard when you carefully documented every expense and deduction on your tax return, only to find out that you owed the government money?

Now is the perfect time to recalculate, reassess and regroup to try and avoid any surprises the next time April 15 rolls around.

Things the average taxpayer might not think of, like self-employment income or the profit from selling personal property, are what often lead to owing taxes.

“The ones that have out of the ordinary items that cause them to owe are the ones that get caught off guard,” said Kathryn Morgan, a tax specialist and Air Force retiree in Louisiana.

Statistics from the Internal Revenue Service show that about 75 percent of taxpayers got a refund in 2014. But for the remaining 25 percent that find themselves having to pay, tax experts have several tips:

- Keep track of all “extra” income throughout the year and pay taxes as you go, if necessary. Morgan said one of the biggest reasons military members find themselves owing money is that they have a self-employed spouse who did not pay taxes on income. Payments can be submitted quarterly to the IRS.

- Unexpected tax payments may also come up in relation to selling a house or inheriting money, according to Morgan. Generally, any income throughout the year not included on your Leave and Earnings statement or pay stub could be taxable come filing time.

- The online tax-filing system Turbo Tax recommends that taxpayers check their withholding frequently to see if they are paying too little – or too much. Life changes such as marriage, divorce or having a baby all affect how much taxes should be withheld from each paycheck. The more dependents you claim, for example, the less will be withheld, and vice versa.

Some people actually use their withholding as a savings account, Morgan said, purposely claiming less exemptions and paying in too much so that they will be almost guaranteed a hefty refund. Financial advisers often recommend against this, instead advising families to put money in their own savings accounts each month where it will earn interest. They also point out that this makes each monthly paycheck smaller.

But there’s something to be said for a “surprise” refund every year.

“People need to have a realistic expectation of what they can live with,” Morgan said. “Many people use larger withholding as a forced savings account they can only tap once a year, and if they know themselves well enough to know they need that, it works.” 

Morgan said the best advice is setting clear goals for yourself when it comes to taxes and income.

“The trick to this is knowing what you want at the outset,” Morgan said. “Withholding works like a see-saw. One end is your paycheck and the other is your tax return. Some folks want that see-saw to be level, some want the tax return side to go up and some want the paycheck to go up … Unfortunately the see-saw doesn't bend in the middle.”

Need help?

- Financial advisers and tax consultants can explain your situation and help devise a year-round plan for managing your income and taxes. Many offer military discounts, too.

- The Internal Revenue Service has an extensive website detailing everything you ever wanted to know about taxes. Get started at www.irs.gov.

- The IRS has a detailed withholding calculator. http://www.irs.gov/Individuals/IRS-Withholding-Calculator

- Online banks, financial advisers and tax services also have several calculators, including this one at bankrate.com that helps estimate self- employment taxes.

http://www.bankrate.com/calculators/tax-planning/self-employed-business-tax-calculator.aspx

A few years ago, when my husband re-enlisted, I was told that I was to attend the ceremony and be awarded some certificate, simply for being married to him.

You see, in the Navy, when a sailor re-enlists, his wife also gets recognized for her contribution and sacrifice.

Which seems nice, unless, you’re eight weeks pregnant, with a 1-year-old, in July, at an outdoor pavilion where the temperature seemed to be about 135 degrees.  Standing outside in my first trimester during the heat made me sway.  Then puke as my knees buckled. 

It wasn’t pretty.

But I went.  I mustered up the courage and a dress and a surreptitious barf bag and made it there, miserable though I was.

Because it was expected of me. 

While I don’t normally care about some such silly tradition, I knew it was important to my husband and his command.  It was my “duty” as a milspouse, so I fulfilled it.  Though not without a little groaning and moaning and promises of husbandly foot rubs when we finally got home.

I’d forgotten about that hot, pregnant day in July, mostly.

Until I saw Princess Kate of Great Britain standing in front of the world in a white and yellow dress, bra, heels, and some kind of magical undergarment that stifles the ever-lovely natural laws of post-partum bleeding, presenting a baby she had pushed out of her nether regions mere hours before.

Why? Because as the princess, that’s her job.  It’s what’s expected.

Now, expectations aside, I wasn’t wearing pants after a watermelon came barreling out of my body.  And, if it was white and within a 10-foot radius of me, I bled on it. 

And a bra? Please.  No way.

So I have to give the girl some credit. She looked better than I looked on my wedding day.

But then I caught the sidelong glances at Prince William and the classy albeit a little tired smile.  And I realized it.

She hates this.

She’s up there because she has to be, not because she wants to be.

Heck, no woman would want to do that the same day she had a child.

But just like me all those years ago in the July heat, she did what she did because she married a man, and with that marriage came certain expectations.

Now, expectations aside, I clearly wasn’t cut out to be royalty.  I couldn’t even walk straight after my 9-pound baby bruised my tailbone during delivery.  I would have likely told the royal family to take their expectations and shove it, posted a photo of the new baby on Facebook and took a nap.

But still, I get it.  She knew this was part of the gig, just like I knew that galas with a dress code, where I am expected to stand when pinning promotions on my husband also matters. You do what’s expected, and then you go back to being you.

And for Princess Kate’s sake, I really hope that the real her is resting somewhere in a big T-shirt and no pants. She deserves it.                                                         

 

We were getting ready for dinner when my 2-year-old stopped me.

“Mama!” she cried.  “Mama! Where’s Daddy’s food?”

I stopped, puzzled.  My husband has been deployed for months and months.  He hasn’t eaten a meal here in even longer.  I hadn’t set a place for him in ages, let alone made him up a plate of food like the rest of the family.

But my toddler kept on going.

“Mama!  Daddy’s food! What Daddy eatin’?”

She was pleading with me for an answer.

We did a few more rounds of asking about where her father’s food was located before I realized she was asking me if and when her father was eating.

If he sat down and had breakfast and lunch and dinner, even though he was far, far away and under the water in a submarine.

I assured her that Daddy had food on the boat, and he ate it down there when he wasn’t working.

She was happy enough with this answer and sat down to her own spaghetti and meatballs.

But of course I couldn’t let it go.

After telling my husband in an e-mail about the hilarious but taxing convo I had with our current youngest, I really thought some more.

My kids have always accepted that Daddy works on a boat.  And that quite often, that boat goes away, underwater like the little toy submarine they have in their bathtub.  He works on the boat to make sure we have a house and food and toys, and his job helps keep us and everyone else around us safe.

That’s their little world.  That they get.

But due to security clearances and very specific rules involving Ohio-class submarines, my kids’ reality is still only theoretical for them.

They have never seen where Daddy works.  Not even in pictures.  They never will. 

Even when they are old enough to tour the submarine, they won’t be allowed where he does his specific job.  It could be Neverland, for all they know.

They’ve never seen where he eats, showers or sleeps.

They know he does these things on the boat.  Just ask my 4-year-old.  Both my girls could say “Daddy’s on his boat” long before they could string together other words.

But what does it mean for them?

When they say it, what do they picture?

I honestly have no idea.

I hope they imagine their father in some boat festooned like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  I hope they envision him chowing down on cupcakes and pizza and all their favorite things.  I hope they think he takes pink-soap bubble baths and sleeps in a Princess Elsa sleeping bag.

In other words, I hope the unknown doesn’t scare them.

Because truth be told, sometimes that very same unknown is exactly what scares me.

By Mandy Rebmann

When I heard the voicemail left by my real estate agent, a chill ran through me.  We knew the VA appraisal had been completed, and were waiting to hear if there were any major issues.  Anyone who has been through the home-buying process knows the appraisal step can often go wrong.

Thankfully for us, the news was good.  The appraisal came in “at value,” meaning the appraiser concluded the value matched the purchase price, and only required one small repair.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Having a background in mortgages while applying for one has to be a little like becoming sick when you’re a doctor.  You have so much more knowledge of what can go wrong.

A VA appraisal serves two major purposes- to ensure the house is worth what you’re buying it for (and what the bank is lending you), and to make sure the house is sound, safe and immediately livable.

When you enter into a contract to purchase a house, you and the seller are agreeing on how much the house is worth.  An appraisal makes sure that number is accurate.  There are generally two methods of determining a house’s value: a Sales Comparison and a Cost-Based Approach.  A Sales Comparison looks at the price similar houses in your home’s area have sold for within the last 12 months, and determines value based on their sales prices and features.  A Cost-Based Approach determines land value and how much it would cost to build your home from scratch.  A VA appraiser uses the former approach, and adds or subtracts value by taking a closer look at the differences between the nearby, comparable homes.

An appraisal will rarely deem the house more valuable than the sales price; however, an appraiser may value it lower.  This can be a major problem in the process and may even kill the deal.  Let’s say the purchase price of your home is $150,000 and the appraisal comes in at $140,000.  The bank will only lend based on and up to the appraised value.  This means either the seller would have to agree to lower the sales price, or you would have to come up with the extra $10,000.  Often, neither of these options can be agreed upon and the contract is voided. 

Our appraisal is requiring a handrail be installed on the main staircase; this was expected and minor.  Unlike an appraisal for a conventional loan, a VA appraisal may require certain repairs be made to the property prior to closing.  The appraiser ensures the overall safety and soundness of the property.  It’s why you’ll never see a home advertised as a “handyman’s special” able to get VA financing.  Rotting wood may have to be replaced, or older, peeling paint, possibly containing lead, may need to be scraped and repainted.  A heating system may need to be completely replaced.  Extensive repairs may also spell trouble for the deal.  A seller may not be willing to complete the expensive repairs, even if it means the house the house will go back on the market.  Another purchaser may be able to pay cash or use a different type of loan that may not have the same repair requirements.  This is one reason why it’s a good idea to work with a real estate agent familiar with VA loans; they may be able to steer you away from any properties that the VA would find issue with.

It’s important to remember, even though you pay for the appraisal, it actually belongs to the bank and the VA, and protects their interest in the transaction.  A home inspection, although not required, is strongly recommended for your own benefit.  The home inspection we ordered was much more detailed about the structure and systems of the house, reducing the risk something unexpected and costly will occur. 

Now that the appraisal is done, we’re one step and one PCS move closer to our first house!