If there is one constant in the military spouse’s life, it’s making new friends. And then leaving those friends. And then making new friends. And then those new friends move away and you are left behind. And then you move, and leave those friends behind. And then making … well, you get the drift.
Being a military spouse is a tough gig in many ways, but the friend thing gets especially tricky. We spend lots of time and energy finding activities at new duty stations for our kids so they can find friends. We help cultivate friendships for them so they have a sense of normalcy and community and belonging everywhere they go, because, let’s face it - it’s not their fault they have to move.
Oftentimes, we spouses neglect to place importance on that aspect for ourselves. And when we do find someone we connect with, we know that either they are going to leave us, or we are going to leave them. For better or worse, it’s the military way.
One thing no one tells you when you become a military spouse: it is hard to be the one left behind. You know the orders will come at some point, but still. Army spouse Sally J. of San Antonio is dreading the end of this year, because many of the spouses in her husband’s department – ones she socializes with on a regular basis – are all moving on to other duty stations.
And Army spouse Laurie D. of Woodbridge, Va., learned about making friends the hard way at a ceremony at Fort Knox, Ky.
“I was talking to a captain's wife and enjoying our conversation immensely,” she said. “Before we parted, I asked if she would like to have lunch sometime and she told me no, she would be moving in a few weeks and I should spend my energy making friends with people who were sticking around. At the time, it struck me as rude ... but I later understood what she meant as our own PCS orders started to stack up. It's hard to start over time and again.”
I have made some of the best friends of my life in the military. Each military spouse friend I have made holds a place near and dear to my heart. They get me in a way that no one else possibly can. During my multiple deployments, they were there and intuitively knew the gamut of emotions I went through because they had been there themselves.
These women made me get a sitter, go out and have fun when I didn’t feel like it. They listened to me whine and complain, or hugged me when I cried. They grabbed my kids for a few hours so I could have some peace and quiet when they saw me teetering toward the edge. They lifted me up during some of the darkest times. And they celebrated my husband’s return, even if their own spouse was months away from coming home.
And, when it was my turn, I did the same for them, without question.
Laurie D said most of the meaningful friendships in her life were only possible because of all the moves.
“I still have dear friends from every single place I've lived,” she said. “And once in awhile we were lucky enough to share more than one duty station together. I love it that when military families go on road trips, they nearly always include at least one stopover with old friends. Name a state because we know someone in every one of them I bet!”
But then again, that’s the beauty of the military life. You get to meet people that you most certainly wouldn’t have met otherwise. If you are lucky, you are stationed together again.
As one military spouse told me - and it’s a mantra I use today - military spouses don’t ever say “goodbye.” We say “see you later,” because more often than not, we surely will.
