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When Unaccompanied Duty Separates A Military Member From Their EFMP Family

By Tiffany Shedd

School has started. The temperatures are dropping and the leaves are changing. Starbucks has Pumpkin Spice Latte for sale. So that means two things: fall is here, and PCS season is ending.

If you made a move, you’re probably starting to feel a bit more settled. Maybe you didn’t move but your spouse did. I know anytime I hear that my service member will be out of town for an extended training, I get anxious and start trying to plan for my mom to come visit.

I am lucky to have that option. I know some of you probably are not as lucky, but enduring an unaccompanied assignment doesn’t have to be horrible.

Being part of an EFMP family sometimes means making hard choices in order to to best take care of your special needs family member(s), and that could mean that you find yourselves in a Geographical Bachelor situation.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, it just means that the service member gets orders for an unaccompanied tour, outside of a deployment or TDY. Any situation that causes your family to be apart is stressful, but when you are an EFMP family, there are extra levels of stress involved.

Military life is tough. Military life with family members who require extra services and attention can be extremely tough, but once you get past the initial shock and awe of being without your spouse, you might see that your time apart may not be the worst thing ever.

Most likely if you are making this adjustment it could mean a few different scenarios. One is that you choose to stay at the installation your spouse was previously assigned. You likely have been here for several years, so you know the area. You probably have friends and a support group already in place. You know your family member(s) doctors and specialists. You have routines and schedules that make your day less stressful. These are all awesome things. The only thing that really changes is adjusting to not having that every day support of someone coming home to help with things.

Scenario number two is that you chose to move closer to family. This can be great. You have the built in support of being close to loved ones. You probably are familiar with the area. But, you may be far away from a military installation, so you may not get the support that you are used to from other military spouses. You most likely don’t know the doctors or specialists that would be responsible for taking care of your family members.

If you didn’t check the area before you left your installation, you may find it hard to find the care you need without the military support system and EFMP program behind you. If you are just finding out how hard it is, don’t be afraid to contact the EFMP office that you left behind and ask them for advice on finding services, specialists, etc to make your family’s transition smoother.

Even though both of these scenarios have pros and cons, ultimately you need to make the decision you feel is right for your family, and make that situation work for you. Here are some ways to help you along your way.

If you stayed at your previous installation, look into respite care. Talk to your EFMP program directors and find out if your family is eligible. This can be a welcome break for you that you can take advantage of just to get some errands run or even just go to the gym and relax by yourself. If you aren’t eligible for respite care, talk to Child, Youth and School Services and see if your children/family member can use hourly care. If you have a family member over age 18, this may not be an option, but perhaps EFMP or CYSS can help point you toward community resources to fit your needs.

If you chose to move back home, hopefully you are able to recruit family members to give you some time away from your family. Taking care of yourself, especially when your spouse is away, is incredibly important. You can’t take care of your family if you are constantly rundown and stressed out. If your home town is not near a military facility, figure out exactly how far you are from one and become familiar with it. Look for military support groups online, specifically EFMP groups. If you were a part of a group on your old installation, stay in touch with them if you are feeling disconnected from the military aspect of your life.

Sometimes it’s hard for family members who aren’t affiliated with the military to get exactly what you’re going through. They mean well, but there are just things that other military spouses and members will understand implicitly.

Though both situations are going to be difficult, they are not impossible. You will still be able to communicate with your spouse. Try to stay connected to one another in fun ways. Make a Facetime or Google Hangout date to watch your favorite show together. Send each other funny texts. There is also a lot to be said for sending and receiving handwritten letters.

Communication is key in helping your family make this separation work. It is ok to vent to your spouse. I know if the past we’ve been advised against this, but keeping things bottled up and then unleashing a year or more worth of grievances is going to do a lot more harm than a 10-minute rant about how hard it is to get an appointment for your kids.

It will be tough, but you can do this. You are a smart, independent, resourceful military spouse.

Remember that you’re only one person, so don’t beat yourself up for not being able to be in three different places at once. Figure out what is important to your family’s happiness and well being and focus on those things. This assignment isn’t the end of the world, and it won’t last forever. Your family will be back together before you know it.

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