Salute to Spouses Blog

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The tough marriage conversation

The recent admission of an extramarital affair by Gen. David Petraeus is shocking to civilians. Soldiers pledge to be steadfast, honorable and loyal. The thought of such sleazy, undercover dealings seems uncharacteristic.

For military wives, it is a reminder of what we all know is true, cheating happens in military couples, both in the warzone and on the homefront, though I personally doubt it happens with any more frequency than in the civilian world.

I was asked shortly after the news broke, as a military spouse and editor of a spouse publication, to consider our roles as military spouses and the difficulties of a marriage ruled by separation.

I have to say, it is the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband has 42 months in the combat zone. There were times when I missed him desperately. There were times when I told myself I didn’t care if he returned. The range of emotions that war infuses into a marriage is staggering.

And when they come home, the period of re-adjustment can make or break a marriage. People change, especially under the stress of combat. Wives at home change as they learn to take over rolls their husbands once had in the household and, dare I say, like it.

In those places between couplehood and a marriage by distance come the vulnerability, and the opportunity to cheat.

The strongest military couples I have known have not just faith in each other during these times apart, but they have committed to each other through action and word.

I compare it to the conversation you have to have with your spouse about their funeral. So, if you die, what do you want us to do? My husband calls it, the sad music talk. What music do you want? What are your last wishes? It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable, but you have to do it.

Same thing with your marriage. There is nothing wrong with sitting down with your spouse and discussing what you expect from them during a deployment: you both know loneliness is going to come, that temptation may be right there, but that you expect each other to remain steadfast and dedicated to the vow you took when you were married.

It’s not an easy conversation and I think many couples believe they don’t need to have it, but I think it is important to put it out on the table and re-iterate that this is unacceptable behavior.

Then, during the deployment, it’s ok to talk about the fact that you are lonely, to tell each other that you miss the other person. I know lots of wives who send sexy boudoir photos of themselves to remind their mates what they are waiting for.

Building a marriage that can withstand repeated deployments and separation is not easy, but it is possible. My husband and I have been together 13 years and while it wasn’t always pretty, it has been worth every moment.

Military couples who make the commitment to put in the hard work to grow their marriage despite the strains of military life are the strongest families I know.

There is nothing more difficult than facing down several years of separation and working together to come out the other side in love, with children who are cared for and adored and a home life that is solid.

It is a lot easier to walk away. But for the couples, including those who have felt the pain of infidelity and worked to rebuild their marriage, who make a commitment to endure together, these are the people we should hold up as role models.

Marriage isn’t easy. The military makes it even harder. What you and your spouse need to decide together, is whether it is worth fighting for.

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