Salute to Spouses Blog

We're excited to be blogging about the latest topics in military life. We want to keep you informed on topics such as current events, education, career advice, etc. Feel free to post comments or questions to any of our entries.
Gift-giving and holiday merriment on base: Dos and Donts

Marna Ashburn remembers a Christmas party years ago where she and her soldier husband brought a bottle of wine.

And the hosts gave it right back to them.

They didn’t drink alcohol, Ashburn, author of “64 Easy Answers About Etiquette for the Modern Military Spouse,” said.

Christmas gift-giving can be stressful. Sometimes it can be double when you are choosing the right gift for a member of your husband’s military unit. With that in mind, it’s always a good idea to “consider your recipient’s tastes when you select a gift,” Ashburn said.

The holidays can be a stressful time, as most military spouses are be invited to a barrage of parties, gatherings and command events. There’s plenty of opportunities to give gifts, dress-up and have fun.  But the pressure can be confusing and overwhelming, too.

“It’s important to keep the spirit of etiquette in mind, which is simply to act with politeness and sensitivity towards others. This comes pretty naturally to most of us once we remind ourselves to make it a priority, especially during the holiday season,” she said.

Ashburn said you don’t have to give anyone in your spouses’ command a gift, but it is a nice time of year to show you appreciate them.  A nice note and a “small token” are a great start.

“This is a wonderful tradition, which I urge everyone to consider,” she said.

People love to be acknowledged and are often genuinely touched by the sentiment.

“What people crave most is to feel relevant, and you can accomplish this with a sincere and simple gesture,” she said.
 

Terri Barnes, an Air Force wife for almost 30 years and the editor of “Stories Around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life,” said the key to kind gift-giving is to know the people you and your spouse work with. 

“Etiquette isn’t about making ourselves feel good; it’s about making others feel good, said Barnes, author of “Spouse Calls: Messages from a Military Life” and the writer of a weekly column for Stars and Stripes with the same name.

Homemade treats are always a safe bet, Ashburn added.

She has a grab-bag of ideas she draws from everywhere, including a small bag of homemade fudge, small loaves of apple cake, layered cookie mixes in a mason jar, a stack of sugar cookies, shortbread and white and dark chocolate bark.

Tie it up with a pretty holiday ribbon, and it can make a very elegant gift, similar to something right out of a catalogue, but much more thoughtful and affordable because it’s homemade, Ashburn said.

You don’t have to bake, she added.  You can make cinnamon ornaments with Christmas cookie cutters, glitter paint and raffia.

“I’ve also planted amaryllis bulbs, available at the commissary, in pots right after Thanksgiving. By Christmas, they’re just about to bloom, and they make spectacular holiday gift for under 10 dollars,” she said.

Being practical is a wise choice when selecting gifts, too, Barnes said.

“Anyone can use an extra kitchen towel, a pot holder, a package of holiday disposable napkins and some biscotti,” she said.

You can never go wrong with some nice coffee or a small Starbucks gift card, she added.

Barnes always sends Christmas cards to her fellow military families and friends, including those in her husband’s chain of command.

“It’s the thought of the card that’s important, and it doesn’t add to their household,” she said.

Single service men and women often enjoy a little bag of treats, too, Barnes and Ashburn added.

“One unit got a local company to donate all the candy to do this. Or, buy some candy, or make cookies, portion it out, and wrap with party cellophane. Have fun with it,” Ashburn said.

Barnes said she makes sure that all single service members also have at least one invite for the holidays, so they don’t have to spend the holidays alone if they don’t want to.

“It’s all about the relationship,” Barnes added.


Whatever you do, keep it as simple as you can, Ashburn adds.

“Other years, I went crazy making handmade gifts, baked goods, and other Martha Stewart-esque endeavors and stressed myself out. I learned to scale back. Now I keep a file of easy tried-and-true ideas. It’s also a good idea through the year to maintain a “gift drawer” where you store items you come across which make perfect any-occasion presents,” she said.

You also can use those “gift drawer” items as back-ups in case you forget the office gift-exchange, for instance, she said.

Personally, Ashburn enjoys the sentiment and personal nature of an ornament.

“Ornaments, which relate to particular duty stations or units, are great because they are small, easily stored and moved, and each year when you unpack them, you also unwrap a cherished memory,” she added.

For work parties or Family Readiness Group gatherings, Ashburn sticks to a quality scented candle.

Some parties feature gift exchanges where you recycle old or funny gifts, often called “White Elephant” or “Green Santa” gift exchanges.

“It’s like a big yard sale where everybody brings their unwanted trash and leaves with new treasures,” Ashburn said.

She remembers one such party where someone wrapped up a foosball table, and the person who unwrapped it was thrilled.

Just don’t bring something “vulgar or in poor taste,” she said.

That and any gift that seems “ostentatious or expensive” are big no-nos when it comes to holiday gift-giving, she said.

When it comes to holiday behaviors, ostentatious behavior would also be inappropriate, too.

Drinking too much and discussing volatile and divisive issues, like politics and religion, aren’t a good idea, Ashburn said.

 

“Most units or commands have some sort of holiday get together, usually for families as well,” she said.

If you can attend, you should, Barnes said.

“I see so many young spouses so afraid to attend something because they don’t know the ground rules,” she said.

Barnes said that you should familiarize yourself with the basic etiquette before attending the party so you can have fun.  Knowing the rules is actually very “freeing,” Barnes said.

Some good rules of thumbs for all holiday parties are to always RSVP, see if you can bring an appetizer or something to share, and find out the dress code well in advance, Ashburn said.

“Remember ‘informal’ is considered a suit or dress. Casual usually means khakis or nice trousers but not jeans,” she said.

If it’s a private party or at a private residence, you should bring a small hostess gift and write a handwritten thank-you note after the fact.

Throwing your own party isn’t always necessary, either.

“December is a busy time for everyone with shopping, shipping, school programs, decorating, baking, and the like.  Adding another event to the calendar might be ill-advised,” Ashburn said.

She suggests waiting till the following months and doing a Super Bowl or Valentine’s Day party.

However, if you do have a party, she said you need to send out very early invitations and, like gift-giving, keep it simple.

“We don’t want people feeling excluded, especially during the holidays, so pick your parameters,” so, for instance, just invite everyone in your spouses’ unit or just the FRG, she said.

“It doesn’t have to be a white-glove event,” Barnes said.

One of Barnes’ favorite command Christmas parties took place when she and her husband, a chaplain, were stationed overseas.  They had a simple party with Christmas cookies in the chapel, and then the entire party went into the barracks and dorms and sang Christmas carols.

“It was something very special. My kids remember it, and they were little at the time,” she said.
 

$6,000 SCHOLARSHIP
For Military Spouses
Apply for the Salute to Spouses scholarship today and begin your education! You’ll be on the way to your dream career.
BLOG CATEGORIES
MONTHLY ARCHIVES

Salute to Spouses Scholarship Recipients

© 2013 SALUTE TO SPOUSES ALL RIGHTS RESERVED